Women: How not to be seen as fully human

Women often complain about not being treated as equals. And when I say “equals”, I do mean “fully human”- in all what it means to be, first and foremost, a human being.

In my opinion, it has a lot to do with buying- or refusing- gender roles. So we must look at those who are considered, in a way, to be “borderline cases”: the tomboys.

Tomboys are feminine. Yes, they are. Just because they don’t buy gender roles and double standards when it comes to behavior, attitude, clothes and hobbies of choice doesn’t mean they’re not fully female. Just because they don’t like wearing dresses (and don’t know anything about fashion) doesn’t mean they’re not feminine. And yes, sometimes it’s all what it takes to be considered a “tomboy” or “unfeminine”.

Also, sometimes, it looks like being considered a woman, a feminine woman, means not being human above all else. Yes, it’s the sad truth.

There are all those adorable little girls who hate playing with dolls and prefer their bicycles and tree climbing. There are also girly girls, proud of their pink dresses, dreaming about their mothers’ high heel shoes. (Yes, I know it’s a bad generalization but it’s made for the sake of simplicity). While the first group is rightfully labeled “tomboys”, it’s not an indicator of that’s going to happen to those girls once they grow up.

There’s a moment in every girl’s life, when she’s around 11 years of age, when she decides- subconsciously- whether she wants to play “the game” or not.

Those who decide to play it must stick to their decision for their whole lives. Yes, they will be considered “normal” and yes, they will get (male) attention and be recognized as true women. However, that comes with a price. The game you must play IS the price. Slowly, you begin to fake your manners and pay attention on things you never cared about before, and before you know, the price you’re paying is the fact society sees you as a female first, human second. In other words, your humanity is questioned. The problem is when you start doing this yourself, when you start seeing yourself more as a woman than as a human being. That’s bad.

On the other hand, there are girls who never learn how to play the game. The choice you made here is not conscious- you don’t know what you’re doing. You simply fail to change. Not in a way you don’t want to grow up- you do, and you become more mature, you are not a child anymore. However, you never properly learn the game (your gender role): you simply refuse or, more often, you don’t realize there’s a game to play, because you were comfortable about who you were, or you were asocial enough not to realize the consequences. Note that this could happen to all those sorts of girls: a 6 year old tomboy and girly girl both have a chance to go either way when they’re 11 or 12. You can never tell.

Why am I writing this? Because I am an adult tomboy, a woman who doesn’t know how to play the game? Because I hate Carrie Bradshaw type of behaviour? Well, yes and yes, but that’s not the point. I truly believe all human beings should be seen as human first- any other label, identification or identity comes second. It’s the only good way to go. And ironically, while tomboy (“non-feminine”) women suffer for not being seen as fully feminine, attractive or wanted, “girly girl” women often have to face a worse discrimination- they’re not seen as fully and equally human.

8 thoughts on “Women: How not to be seen as fully human

  1. Mariana

    Good post.
    I think I’m kind of in the middle. I can be girly but I can also be unfeminine too. I like make up but fashion itself pisses meo off. I’ll always be overweigh and I’ll always put confort in first place when it comes to clothes. But the middle is more non-playing the game than playing it. (So it isn’t midle dumbass!)

    I think the both sides of the game (including “the middle”) have a price. It isn’t easy not to play the game eighter. What makes the difference is how the person deals with it. I can’t do it easily. Eveytime I think about it I ge pissed of, angry and so on… not really mature but… whatever.

  2. zek j evets

    i personally refuse to play any games (which often, unfortunately comes off as still playing the game) and i don’t like girls who do. in fact, most guys would prefer — and most girls too — to be with someone that isn’t committed to any kind of dating/relationship game, fulfilling expectations for the sake of snagging a partner, or getting positive reinforcement.

    but, unfortunately, people end up getting into the game because they want/need those things because they feel insecure, or ignorant of other ways to behave.

    however, i, too, one day hope that everyone will be seen as human first, and everything else second.

  3. Mira

    Just to make one thing clear: I’m not talking about relationship game here- not only about it anyway. It’s the whole way you shape your gender identity that affect both you and the way people see you.

    Just a small, stupid example: Like I said, I’m a tomboy woman. I rarely experience sexism or discrimination because of my gender (seriously), therefore I do believe people see me as human first.

    On some rare occasions when I dress more “feminine” and put on some makeup I can see that people see me differently(especially those who never met me before). I get more (unwanted) male attention, but it also means they (and women too) see me more as a “female” and less as a human.

    There are two pictures of me on the “personal” page- one with make up and no glasses and the other with glasses but no makeup. I might be paranoid, but
    people view me differently when I look like on image 1 than on image 2. And yes, it IS as simple as that.

    Well, I do consider comfort a lot when it comes to clothes. About not playing the game: it isn’t easy (especially in your teenage years, when boys pay absolutely no attention on you, or you become all guy’s best female friend but nobody sees you as a girlfriend material). Also, later in life, you’re risking to not be seen as female, but you usually don’t have problems in being seen as human. At least that’s my experience.

    @zek j evets

    I agree with you, but like I said, I’m not talking about the relationship games here- more about the “general game” concerning gender identity and behaviour.

    It’s not just about females, really. I bet men who don’t want to play the game have the same problem. Sometimes, I think it’s even more difficult for men. If they refuse to play the game, they are viewed as “sissies”, gays or every girl’s best friend (but never boyfriend).

    On the other hand, those guys, I think, are not seen as completely human- not in a way a tomboy woman is seen. I am not sure (I have no idea how this works). It would be great to talk with a guy who isn’t playing the game to hear about his experiences.

    It does look like a guy has more chances to be seen as full (normal) human if he’s masculine, but a woman has more chances to be seen as human f she isn’t seen as way too feminine.

    All in all, I like being a woman, but I prefer to be seen as a human first. It doesn’t mean being a woman isn’t important to me (it’s more important to me than race, ethnicity, nationality, etc)- but then again, being human comes first (In a way I do believe I’d be more or less the same person if I were of another race, nationality, or even gender).

  4. Mariana

    I have been in my teenagehood – and I still am – guy’s best female friend. lol But I always thought that I was in a better place. The price I pay is: I don’t have female friends, all of them hurt in some way and all my male friend still here. Well… it seems that I’ll only have best men in my wedding (if that happens) and no maide of honor.

  5. Mira


    Nothing wrong in having male friends! Some people believe it’s “impossible” to have friends of the opposite sex, but that’s rubbish if you ask me.

    On the other hand, I don’t have many male friends. I am not sure why. Yes, I know it’s make sense for a tomboy to have male friends, but that was never the case with me. Perhaps that’s because I grew up in a neighborhood with almost no children around, so I never learned how to play and spend some time with people my age (it sucks, trust me).

    Also, there’s a weird tendency with Serbian boys and girls- many guys tend to befriend only girls (women) that they find attractive. Meaning: feminine women. Women, on the other hand (sad to say this) do like to hang around with males who find them attractive. So you get a situation of a “friendship” where male is trying to get into her pants, and female is there just because she wants to be admired.

    Not all friendships are like that, of course, there are many, many honest ones, but I did notice this tendency.

  6. SubtleFromDesert

    i read some of your posts, i find you special and intelligent.

    Side note about your belief of the “nice guy”:
    there are some mis-understanding of some women be-freinding men.
    They accuse “nice guy” who is secretly in love is not sincere, bad, trash etc..

    they say “at least bad boy is upfront honest bla bla” yet let us examine their approch: bad boy will stick around you for 2 days or 3 , to get sex, if he cant he would trash you and look for another girl..
    meaning: you are not seen worthy if you dont offer your meat. not even for human friend.
    Nice guy: would hang around with you with a pure sentiment , inocent one at least, that “you may change your mind” he would be-friend you cause he likes to be be around you even if that only as a friend cause you WORTH the wait or at least being around as a friend.
    Yet “america trashy philosophy” make the first type sexy (bad boy) , and the nice guy as a doormat, girls too see it this way!
    Can you see a bigger stupidity when it comes to reasoning than that!!

    bad boy want to pump you other wise wont be around (yet he is manly and sexy)
    the nice guy love you so much he can wait years without sex cause he appreciate your other quality (seen as douch bag trashy person)

    people who think that worth little respect if any.
    luckly i never played the bad boy nor the nice guy, all the girls i went with are girls who asked me (indirectly) cause i know many of them love to play game and get admirers (even with no intention to do anything with them just to feel divas) giving what they think little “biscuts now and then to the nice guy to make him around” not caring at all of the damage they make to their heart. that is why those douche bags becomes later players. and the cycle of playing games continues. Lol i know that from some friends who moved from romantic waiting, to being a facializer and bum them and dump them lol. I observe them and laugh.

  7. SubtleFromDesert

    the only time a girl has a reason to complain about the “nice guy” is if that nice guy wait and wait then get mad for not making her his girl friend. crying “i was there for you bla bla, i did this for you ..” in that case it is annoying.
    But Think of it at least, he thought of you as “worth waiting” some of my (friends and or acquaintance) waited for years for those girls , yes 4 or 6 years of their lives, giving the most valuable thing in life: their time and youth waiting for girls who thought of them as a douch bags, and or less of men, or insincere, wow what a crime they made just for being romantic and for waiting (in many cases waiting cause many girls manipulate them by giving them mixed signles) 2 of those guys became heartbraker, dealing with girls as sex products and became “successful” at the strategy of date-them, sleep with them, dump them. others just felt disgusted for being around those same girls that the once loved. it seems a crime to wait “in hope that she change her mind” but “sexy men” if they have a bike and fuck and dump them attitude men.
    who is worthless in this chase, the girls (who give mixed signls to get admirers, the bad boy or the romantic nice guy). answer is obvious.

  8. Mira Post author


    I don’t mind your rant, but I don’t understand what in this particular post (that’s not about nice guys at all) inspired it.

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