“Eclipse” movie: Crap or Camp?

Scene from EclipseTo be honest, I can’t make up my mind about “Twilight” movies (or books for that matter). “Too bad it’s hilarious” or just “too bad”?

To be honest, I must admit “Eclipse” movie was a slight improvement. Directing was better, script fas a bit more coherent, and even (even!) acting was a little less horrible. Don’t get me wrong, the movie was bad, messy and embarrassing. But it was more watchable than the previous instalments. Now that’s something, isn’t it?

“Eclipse” has its wonderful, campy, narmy moments, but there are not enough of them to make up for nonexistent story, empty dialogue and overall pointlessness of the movie. There’s also the issue of music- along with indie songs there is a serious (way tooo serious) and “epic” score. Such music is accompanied by trashy dialogue and scenes in which absolutely nothing happens. It tries (badly) to tell us meaningless dialogue along the lines of “Jacob is my friend, I want to see him” is extremely important, but it fails. The effect is somewhat amusing, thought, and it does approach the “trash gem” line.

As for the actors, I must say Kristen Stewart blinked a little less so she was less annoying, but she still looks completely bored (I don’t blame her). Robert Pattinson manages to be strangely absent and unnoticeable, which is a gift, given the fact he’s always there. He is there, but we just don’t see him. I don’t know how they did it, but it’s a good thing, because he still acts like he really, really needs to go to the bathroom every second he’s on screen. Young Taylor Lautner looks a bit older here, so his abs match his face a little better. His acting, which was almost unwatcheable in the previous movie, is a bit better- but only a bit.

All one can say about supporting characters is “blah”. Humans are not important, vampires don’t look like vampires, wolf pack is one huge fan service. Dakota Fanning and Jackson Rathbone are the only one who deserve a mention, and not for the same reason. Fanning can act, and she’s good- as good as you can get here (which is not far). She is the only one who managed to turn an extremely weak material into something “ok”, which means the girl is really, really talented. As for Rathbone, we all know he can’t act, but somehow he does look unnatural enough to pass for a vampire. The “I’m about to crap” face works better on him than Pattinson, that’s for sure.

The worst things

Another scene from Eclipse

Special effects were embarrassing to watch. Wolf pack, I’m looking at you. But there were other trashy effects so if laughing at those is your thing, “Eclipse” won’t disappoint. And I do admit, they were a bit better than “New Moon”, but still highly cringeworthy.

Also: makeup. It’s bad beyond words. Edward, who is supposed to be the most gorgeous guy on Earth, looks like a drag queen on a bad day (nothing against drag queens, but I don’t think that’s the look they wanted to achieve.)

The plot. Strictly speaking, it’s not filmmakers fault. We all know what was the source material. Simply put: it was boring. All they did in the movie was talking. And since we all know how uninspiring characters are, listening their endless dialogue was not a highly amusing thing to do.

The best things

The best things were the above mentioned narmy moments. No words to describe such scenes as “Edward, I promise, I’ll go to college and I’ll let you buy me an expensive car, and I’ll marry you, just please, fuck me!”. The legend of the third wife is also a gem, and so is homoerotic tent scene. Another good thing was the infamous scene in which Bella orders Jacob to kiss her under the fake mountains, with “epic” music in the background.

Dakota Fanning’s portrayal is the only non-narmy thing that was good in this movie.

The Verdict?

All in all, “Eclipse” is not clever, or ironic enough to pass for camp. It still takes itself way too seriously. It’s not even trashy enough to be “too bad it’s good” in a narmy way. But there’s certainly a potential.

Not to mention, the best is yet to come: “Breaking Dawn”, the ultimate wonder of trash literature, is going to be adapted in not one, but two movies. With a good attitude and inspired crew, we might be having a camp classic on the way.

Rating: ** jefflions out of *****

See also

“Eclipse”: The logic behind a boring mess (my book review)
“New Moon” movie: Not worth the LULZ
… and other “Twilight” spittings

17 thoughts on ““Eclipse” movie: Crap or Camp?

  1. Mariana

    “Edward, who is supposed to be the most gorgeous guy on Earth, looks like a drag queen on a bad day”

    I LMAO! Seriously! I started to laugh like a mad here.

    Eclipse was the book that took me 6 months to read. I thought I wouldn’t make it. Really. And I must say that I’m not that excited about watching this film. I don’t want to watch it alone, it’s not a problem to be alone in the movie theatre, but I watched the last 2 Twilight movies alone and I felt like I needed someone to be with me laughing at that stuff and I must admit that the fan girls were freaking me out everytime I laughed in one of these narmy moments, their looks were really frightening. haha

    Well, as my bf would never EVER watch it with me, even to spit about it and I have no other company, I have no choice.

  2. Mira

    Well, it’s not like you’re going to miss something important. It’s not THAT funny or ridiculous. Most of the time, it’s just bad, period.

    On the other hand, maybe you don’t have to watch it in a theatre, if you know what I mean…

  3. Eurasian Sensation

    Actually, I didn’t think Eclipse was all that bad. Maybe it’s because I’m comparing it to New Moon, which was a bit of a flaming turd.

    (Yes, I’m officially lame, I’ve seen all 3 of these movies, what kind of self-respecting manly man am I? I watched the first two as in-flight entertainment during trips to Asia, and so I figured I may as well complete the trilogy.)

    I too laughed at the tent scene. It felt like it was referencing Brokeback Mountain, though I know it wasn’t.

    I give it points though for the line where Edward says about Jacob, “Doesn’t he own a shirt?” Because damnit if I hadn’t wondered the same thing many times. I mean, we get it Jacob, you’ve got a hot body. Now put some clothes on, you’ll catch your death of cold.

  4. Mira

    Don’t feel bad about it. We all have our guilty pleasures. And maybe you watched it for the lulz, so to speak?

    Now, I must admit “Eclipse” was the best “Twilight” movie. They did try to make it at least semi-decent. Still, it’s crap. It’s not really filmmakers’ fault. The source material is terrible.

    PS-It’s not trilogy. There are actually 4 books in the series, and there will be 5 movies. The forth book, “Breaking Dawn” is one of the most (unintentionally?) hilarious books in recent literary history. So movies have pretty good chances of being “too bad it’s great”. I just hope they’ll be brave enough to do it right.

  5. Mira

    As for Jacob and his shirt (or lack thereof), it is a pure fan service. Stephenie Meyer did try to explain it in the books, but it was lame.

  6. Y

    My friends dragged me to see this on the premiere night, right after eating a large meal at IHOP. I could barely stay awake. The story lines are mediocre at best and the movies are just plain tragic. Like you said the music and overall mood of the movie is too damn serious for the dialogue. The fight scene was hyped up in commercials but turned out to be a comical disappointment.

    The whole Twilight series is rubbish, if you ask me. I dont know why girls love it so much

  7. Mira


    Trust me, the books are even worse. Completely boring, pointless, poorly written. Not to mention they’re full of sexist and racist stereotypes.

    I have no idea why girls like “Twilight” so much. I’ve been thinking about it, but I can’t think of anything. I used to believe they were more popular with parents, because the whole abstinence propaganda, but there seem to be many teens who truly like these books.

  8. Mariana

    We have to admit that SMeyer is smart (well, let’s suppose she did it intentionally) Bella is a resume of almost all girl’s (no matter the age) insecurities and she finds her vampy charming. Whatever. Thinking about this makes me worry about this generation ways… What am I going to face in the classroom in a couple of years?

    In May we had an event in the school where I work called Literature Week. The older students interviewed their teacher, parents, realatives and classmates asking “What book changed your life?”. The majoritary answer was Twilight and when it was not Twilight was a self-help book. I ask, is it better reading this kind of shit than not reading at all? I can’t answer.

  9. Mariana

    To make matters worse, I see work colleagues, others teachers who answered that Twilight changed their lives. Even worse than a child, who doesn’t know a thing about life liking Twilight is the adult women who would die to have an Edward in their lives. Poor husbands!

  10. Mira

    I know, I know! I was away, and then busy. I have so many ideas for posts but I don’t actually sit and write anything.

  11. Eurasian Sensation

    @ Y & Mira:

    I have no idea why girls like “Twilight” so much.

    Really? I think it’s obvious.

    The story plays cunningly into the “nobody understands me” angst of teens.

    Edward, to paraphrase a Simpsons’ episode, is “a good-looking outlaw who plays by his own rules.”

    A lot of girls love the idea of a guy who is all moody and angst ridden – like the indie rock star who is so deep and complex because no one understands him. But beneath it all, imagine being the only girl who can really comprehend what he’s all about!

    *Sigh* Plus, it’s a passionate yet chaste relationship; he will love her eternally, yet never makes her feel like she needs to put out. The perfect guy!

    Plus its got vampires, who are seen as strangely sexy. Must be all that sucking.

  12. Mel

    I agree with Eurasian. The appeal of the novel is the moodiness. Stephenie Meyer thought she was writing the most romantic hero ever when she wrote Edward Cullen.
    He’s a perfect boyfriend. Pretty, dangerous yet safe, abstinent and he loves her unconditionally and buys her things. He also plays music for her and take her piggyback riding in trees. He’s a dreamboat.

  13. Mel

    PS. There are many Twilight-like books on the market that follow the formula to a T.

    PS. Eclipse is the best reviewed of the books and movies.

  14. Mira

    @ Mel

    Thanks for visiting and commenting!

    Now, I don’t know about “Eclipse”. The movie was the best of the three, but book? It was the most pointless/boring in the series.

    @Eurasian Sensation

    Yes, the way you put it, it does seem obvious. Still, there was nothing new about Meyer’s story, and her lack of talent prevents anybody to enjoy even a plot simple as that.

    Not to mention the book is full of harmful messages, such as abusive relationships, obsessive teenage personality, as well ad misogynistic and racist attitudes.

    All girls want to be loved (all people, in fact) the way they are, and yes, girls like bad boys with hears of gold. Still, the whole series reads more like a mediocre fanfiction written by a 13 year old than a work made by a 30 something woman with a college education.

    In short, it’s pure trash, man.

    (Not to mention most of the characters are so horrible and if your idea of a hottest guy on Earth is not pale, yellow eyed stalker, there’s not much you can find in the book to enjoy).

    *Sigh* Plus, it’s a passionate yet chaste relationship; he will love her eternally, yet never makes her feel like she needs to put out. The perfect guy!

    Have you read the books? It’s perfectly clear (especially in the book 3) that Bella wants to have sex with Edward, and she is quite desperate about it, that she even agrees to marry him only to get laid. Yes, you read that right: the only reason she agreed to marry him is to have sex. He’s the one who wanted to keep her pure and didn’t want to have premarital sex.

    I read somewhere that the vampire’s craving for blood is an analogy for the teen male’s desire for sex.

    Could be. After all, the book can be seen as a 1000+ pages long abstinence promo. But being a crappy author, Meyer didn’t even manage to follow that message- her wet dreams (no other way to call it) got in the way and she gave up, lost in her own fantasy. That’s definitely the vibe I’m getting.

    Not to mention all the “unfortunate implications” such as abusive boyfriend, paedophilia and discouraging girls from getting a college education.

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