On Female Friendship
Female friendships exist, but they’re often not seen as strong or profound like male friendships. Despite the ever existing male homophobia, guys are “allowed” to have really strong friendships (as long as they don’t touch each other too often). Female friendships are encouraged, especially in the younger age, but there seems to be the social limit on how truly strong your friendship can get before becoming “questionable”.
Historically, there are so many stories about great friendships between males, their strength and loyalty. If they fail, for being on the opposite sides in a war, for example, or because of a beautiful woman, it is seen as a tragedy. Something like that never happens when it comes to women. Women are frequently seen in a female company, but the strong friendship love and passionate loyalty are rare. Even when they share similar destinies due to living in a men-dominant world, they are more polite companions than “I’ll do anything for you” relationship you often see when it comes to males. And if their friendship fails, it’s not seen as an unbelievable outcome or a base for an epic story.
There’s a reason for such a portrayal, of course. Most of the history and many of the stories are written by men, who usually don’t have a clue what women do when they’re not around. Still, it’s not an excuse. There are many female authors these days, and yet, it does seem the idea of an “acceptable female friendship” didn’t change much.
Females need other females- this fact is recognized. They need other females while growing up, and they certainly need them in later years. Still, there is a line that shall not be crossed- the BFF passionate loyalty pass the age of 12 is rarely portrayed and is often seen as “questionable”.
There seem to be the list of acceptable conversation subjects and acceptable behaviours. Women are free to talk about men, which covers many subjects, from finding a man, breaking up with a man, discussing men in general, lusting over men, or complaining about a life with a man. Those are serious subjects, no doubt, but are suspiciously man-centred. Not to mention there’s a stereotype of females talking about fashion, shopping and enjoying juicy gossip. As much as I hate these subjects, psychologists claim they are not superficial as they might seem- they do, in fact, help women bond and feel better. Which is good, and fine by me, but it still leaves us with the problem of “unacceptable” female friendship.
If a female friendship becomes really close- of the passionate “I’ll do anything for you” kind, it is often seen as “suspicious”. Such women are seen as lesbians. And no, it is not a joke. Quick, try to remember any novel, film or a story about females deeply committed to each other, without an emphasis on stereotypically female subjects in their conversations- in which they didn’t turn out to be lesbians. I can’t think of any.
Yes, I was mainly talking about media portrayal. But it does shape people’s opinion more than we like to think. This results in a significant number of women who see their female friendships in relation to their experience with men- and not on their own.
PS-Male/female friendship is another story altogether. It sure deserves its own post.
PPS-I know male friendship is different in reality than in stories. I know it’s more shallow and far away from the noble ideal. But the thing is, the ideal is there (and it’s still often seen in stories). Why isn’t the same for females, especially given the (historical) fact of women often being in a close company of other women, sharing the good or the bad, fighting their own battles in a male-dominant world?
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03 Aug 10 at 12:12 PM | Blah blah, literature, movies, sex and gender | 14 comments
Natasha W
At first I disagreed with your premise that men are allowed deeper friendships than women are. After all, men who become to close are also often excused of being gay and it appears that men are encouraged to be somewhat distant and formal in their relations to other men.
But then I saw where you were coming from. Women are encouraged to relate to each other on a more superficial level. And the media likes to portray women as “catty” and always at each others’ throats (while failing to see how they encourage this behavior…). While men are portrayed as supporting each other and being “brothers.” But I think in reality women still tend to develop very deep and long-lasting friendships.
06 Aug 10 at 8:29 PM
Mira
I started with the stories and ideals. Friendship is often praised as in ideal, but it’s always male friendship (at least in the European history and its stories).
Sure, myths are myths, but they also set what is socially acceptable behaviour and it does influence people’s views more than we like to think.
Reality might be different, of course. If nothing else, I believe many of today’s male friendships are far away from the ideal of loyalty and brotherhood.
07 Aug 10 at 12:27 PM
Yann
While the media portrayal comparisons are in place, I am confused about you, the person behind this. Do you practice these in real-life not to be seen as a lesbo? I love this blog but I am yet to see you talk about friendship in real life. I say it could be an interesting read.
You sound like you have no female friends or like you shy away from female to female friendships.
*Yay Yann, you’re out of your lurkdom.*
07 Aug 10 at 2:18 PM
Mariana
Well, that’s something I’ve thought about a lot during my whole life, and that’s because of all the disappointments I had with female friends. I have had plenty of them and all of them let me down for different reasons. From becoming helpless drug addicts to stopping talking to me without a reson or explanation. None of them were there for me when I needed and whenever they needed I was there for them. All of them end up forgetting about me, choosing another path that didn’t include me.
Curiously, the only place where I have female friends is the internet.
My best friends are men and a female friend is something I miss, a lot. They are very good company to play video game with but they certainly are not to watch some romantic comedy. So I end up doing all my shallow girly things alone. hahahahaha
Another kind of friendship that is very interesting the analyze is the gay guys/female one. Why do they exist so much? Why some women think that a gay friend is better than a female friend? Why am I the only girl I know that does not have a gay friend? LOL
09 Aug 10 at 5:15 AM
Mira
@Yann
Thanks for commenting! I knew I had lurkers, so it’s nice to meet one of them (others: don’t be shy!)
I am confused about you, the person behind this. Do you practice these in real-life not to be seen as a lesbo? I love this blog but I am yet to see you talk about friendship in real life. I say it could be an interesting read.
The thing is, I tend not to write about my personal life. I do write about my experiences or even daily routine sometimes, but not too often. I try to discuss things in general terms rather than personal. But of
It’s not that I’m super shy or ashamed or something. I’m just not good at opening myself that way. I was never good at keeping a diary. Of course, like any other person, I had, and still have, the need to express my thoughts, hopes, dreams, frustrations and dilemmas, but writing stories is a better way for me to do that. I guess I’m just not good at expressing myself in the diary format.
That being said, I do have female friends. I don’t have many friends, but those I have are female (well, most of them). Female friendship is practically the only form of friendship I really know. Which is strange, because I’m a tomboy. One would assume I had more male friends. But I guess it doesn’t work that way. My experience tells me men prefer to be friends with women they are attracted to. This is, of course, just a personal experience and might not fit most of male/female friendship, so I don’t know what to say.
Oh and yes, I’ve been called a lesbian a few times in my life (like high school, for example). Nothing wrong with lesbians, but finding a (male) date in these conditions was difficult (and let’s face, dating is one of the top priorities for people in high school).
09 Aug 10 at 10:46 AM
Mira
@Mariana
As I recall, you’re also a tomboy (sort of), right? Having male friends just seem logical, even if it’s not my experience. Or maybe guys in my country are different than Brazilians- most of them (especially the younger ones) are not really interested in any form of friendship with females, unless they believe they might make it into dating or friends with benefits.
As for female/gay men friendship, I don’t get it either. Well, the stereotype is easy to understand: women and gay men have a lot in common (they like shopping, fashion, gossip and talking about sexy men- without being a sexual competition to each other). But that’s just a stereotype. It’s not like many (most?) women or gay men are. So I really don’t get it. I don’t have any close gay friends either, so you’re not alone.
09 Aug 10 at 10:52 AM
Mariana
Well, there’s a bunch of facts that happened in my life that lead to the fact I have more male frieands than female. This happens since I was very young, when I started school. Back then my best friends were alredy men.
When I started school I was the only girl in the class. I lived in a building where I was the only girl of my age. (there others were much older than me or much younger) When I joined the boyscouts I was the only girl in the patrol. So I had this experience to deal with men and all those nasty, gross things they like to talk about when there’s no women around. They didn’t mind at all I was there. Apart from that I have always been a nerd , and you don’t see many she-nerds around, so the girl-friends I had were very good for the girly thing moments but not for serious stuff.
I still have a couple of them, I just don’t see them as often as I see my boy friends. But these ones who are leff don’t care about the distance, whenever we meet it’s like we had seen each other yesterday. =)
I’m writing too much in my comments. LOL
09 Aug 10 at 2:33 PM
Sigg3
This post needs more info about naked pillow fights and sleepovers IMHO.
18 Aug 10 at 12:14 PM
Mira
This post needs more info about naked pillow fights and sleepovers IMHO.
Wanna do a guest post?
Seriously, now: is THAT how you see “female friendship”? And what about male friendship? Male/female one? Or gay male/straight female? The combinations are endless…
18 Aug 10 at 2:36 PM
Sigg3
Being a complete nerd, I’ve had several male/female friendships.. And a couple of them have rhetorically asked later why we didn’t sex when we had the chance.. *sigh*
I have a great imagination, thank you very much. And, as you put it, the combinations are endless..
*wink wink*
19 Aug 10 at 2:53 PM
Sigg3
God I hate smileys.
19 Aug 10 at 2:53 PM
Mira
I don’t see any problems with male/female friendships (fuck up buddy schemes are different story- nothing against those per se, but that’s not friendship).
On the other hand, people often say male/female friendship fail because there will always be at least of a hint of sexual attraction. Why is that such a bad thing, I wonder? As long as you are not secretly in love with your friend OR lust for them badly, I don’t think why the fact you don’t find them sexually repulsive be bad for your friendship.
Also, I am not sure if sex definitely ruins friendships.
24 Aug 10 at 2:12 PM
Dr. Vagrant X
Quick, try to remember any novel, film or a story about females deeply committed to each other, without an emphasis on stereotypically female subjects in their conversations- in which they didn’t turn out to be lesbians. I can’t think of any.
…is it bad that I couldn’t think of any either? And I’m not just talking about popular media, I’m talking about books…older books at that.
But you’re right. This double standard is really ridiculous. If anything, “best friends forever” rarely occurs between men in reality (at least in the US), so you have to wonder where this stereotype came from.
14 Nov 10 at 9:43 PM
Mira
…is it bad that I couldn’t think of any either? And I’m not just talking about popular media, I’m talking about books…older books at that.
I don’t think there are any of them. Which means that this sort of behavior (close female friendship) was never recognized as important or even existent. Certainly not to the point of making epic stories about it.
But you’re right. This double standard is really ridiculous. If anything, “best friends forever” rarely occurs between men in reality (at least in the US), so you have to wonder where this stereotype came from.
Not sure where it started. But it’s true that society (western society at least, that includes Ancient Greece in this context) often take male friendship to high values. Female? Not so much.
It can be easily explained with the fact most of the authors were males, but the problem is, women do seem to buy into this stereotype more than it’s ok.
At the end of the day, it makes any close female friendship seem strange, which is bad.
14 Nov 10 at 11:59 PM