My birthday! I am 31 (but I totally don’t feel that way)

So, it was my 31st birthday yesterday. Nothing overly exciting, but sure better than the last year, when they cut off my electricity because of the unpaid bills. So… yeah.

It was a pretty uneven year, full of disappointments on the career/education front. But I don’t want to talk about this because it would make me so fucking depressed. The weather is horrible, BTW, not like late spring at all (rain and that shit), so I do need stuff to cheer me up.

I received some nice stuff for my birthday. A new bra (that was almost impossible to find, since my boobs are apparently “too big” for regular bras. WTF?) A history of science book from my husband.

The world also managed to cheer me up: the news were released about Benedict Cumberbatch being cast in 12 Years a Slave. Now, movies about slavery usually get a side-eye from me, but I am excited for this. Steve McQueen is an excellent director who’s not ready to compromise. Plus, Shadow and Act reviewed the script and it looks like it might be really good (no white savior shit!) Plus, Chiwetel Ejiofor rocks, so I really hope this can be a good film. And since Benedict Cumberbatch is the acting revelation of the year for me (I should blog about this one of these days), I am really excited about this.

So, that’s all, I guess. My birthday wasn’t exciting but it was relaxing enough. I am 31, but I don’t feel that way. On one hand, I am completely anxious and I feel like I’m too old and late for some things, such as the first decent job, PhD studies or, yes, children. My mom got me when she was 32, but I’ve always wanted to have at least 2-3 children. On the other hand, I can’t believe I’m 31 – I feel like I’m in my early 20s. Seriously. I had no idea you could feel like this, both younger and older than your age. But I guess it was like that with me from the start. I was always a bit older than my age in some things and completely immature and childish in others. It’s how it goes, I guess. Aren’t all people like this?

17 thoughts on “My birthday! I am 31 (but I totally don’t feel that way)

  1. Mariana

    Happy Birthday!

    I’m happy you’ve had a better day than last year. It’s not late for any of these things you’ve mentioned.

    Dying your hair purple, maybe. lol But not studying and definitely not for children, if you want to have them.

    I miss you! I’ll e-mail you soon. We have a lot to catch up. xoxo

  2. Mira

    Thanks, guys!

    Mariana: Can’t wait for your email. We should keep in touch. I can’t believe we missed to discuss the Tinker, Tailor success together!

  3. Tomek Kulesza

    Well, it sounds better than your last one, at least :D

    Anyway, i stumbled onto Abagon blog and found some really interesting discussions with Thaddeus (too bad he’s banned from there now), and got interested in that amazingly handsome guy who was treating Thad somewhat differently. And moreover, there were hints he’s from Eastern Europe. Being Polish (if my name didn’t give that away already), i got interested, especially after that exchange about Mira being the only person who’s not putting words into other people’s mouth there (a spot on observation), i decided to check his blog, i mean, what an interesting dude.

    To my surprise, a Serbian woman (the Serbian part wasn’t surprising, to be precise). Damn, too bad ;p

    On a side note, i met a Serbian guy from Belgrade (yeah, yeah, i know it’s a big city) last winter, when bunch of former Yugo LGBT activist dropped in Warsaw for some sort of exchange. Not that it matters. Anyway, respect, take care :)

  4. Tomek Kulesza

    Oh, and i just remembered the topic about sun-tanning, where you explained how it is in Serbia. In Poland it’s the same way, and the common (sociological) wisdom was that the pale skin was desirable in XIXc because only high class could afford not to work on the outside under the sun, and it got reversed later when people started working inside and the rich started to take vacations in “warm” countries. Which correspond to what you said there. Yeah, i know it was year or two ago. But i read it yesterday :D

  5. Mira Post author

    Welcome, Tomek.

    Thad was interesting and I loved discussing with him (and frankly, that place was never the same after he was banned), but in whole honesty, he was often an ass. However, I was often on the same page as him because we’re both in humanities so the language exchanged was the similar one.

    I had no idea people still read those old posts. To be honest, I rarely visit Abagond’s blog these days, but I’ll probably write some new guest posts so I’ll visit more.

    Now, as for the “amazingly handsome”, I’m sorry to disappoint you: I’m a woman. My avatar picture is Gary Oldman (and yes, he’s amazingly handsome, but that’s another story).

    Oh, a former Yugoslavia LGBT exchange? Tell me more. I’m somewhat Yugonostalgic and it’s always nice to hear people in former Yugoslavian republics doing something together. Though the sad state of LGBT rights here, I’d say it’s not surprising they’re joining forces.

    As for sun tanning, that’s outside the racism discussion, but yes, it’s an interesting thing to observe among whites. I know it’s going strong in Eastern Europe: if you’re “cheese white”, as we say here, you’re seen as ugly, but I don’t know how people feel about it in Western Europe, USA, Australia and New Zealand, Scandinavia… ?

  6. Tomek Kulesza

    Oh, yes, he was indeed. Although, after some more reading of Abagon i’m developing an opinion that Americans are incredibly arrogant (as in, oriented at maintaining opinion of themselves as being correct). And i thought people here have a problem with that, reacting negatively to others qestioning their opinions. On a side note, about humanities – i studied sociology for years (years and years… never finished it. I guess you know the phenomen from your own country :D).

    Which reminds me that i didn’t finish talking about that tanning thing – forgot to add the point that the (sociology) conclusion is that it is caused by class/wealth aspirations, and from what i remember (vaguely) it was also a thing in western Europe, too.

    Yep, i got your gender/sex already. Gary Oldman you say? Actor isn’t the same, as internet bot, though ;), actors are plentiful. It reminds me of your abagon comment about some film which name escapes me at the moment, that you absolutely has to watch it again (because it come up in discussion), and it has nothing to do with Johnny Depp starring it it.

    He’s got some bloody amazing body language, doesn’t he?

    More, hm. Damn, that was half a year ago, and i only met them in a club we went after taking part in a polyamory panel, so i didn’t got to know them too well. Actually i only talked to Serbian guy from Belgrade and Croatian gal from Zagreb, and, given my historical and political interests (uh, i also studied history for 2 years before sociology), i pestered them, poor folks, for their opinions about the whole post-breakup clusterfuck. They seemed completely comfortable doing things together, though, and their descriptions of their own countries went somewhere along the “fucking fascists” lines. Which doesn’t suprise me much, i’d describe Poland similarily. I think i have a FB contact somewhere to the Serbian guy, but i didn’t speak to him later. Depression, stuff.

    I was just reading the old posts, because i found some of these discussions interesting. It’s not like i’m going to follow Abagon blog from now on, it didn’t impress me that much, and i’m not that loyal reader anyway.

    They surprised me by being able to understand Polish, though. I couldn’t get any meaning from them talking not in English.

    On a side note, i can’t help but notice recurring theme in your birthday posts: On a side note, i can’t help but notice recurring theme in your birthday posts: “i’m not feeling as old as my age, yet i feel older than it”.

  7. Tomek Kulesza

    I’m more interested in gender, really, my strays into Abagon, SWPD or racialiscous are mostly because race issue crops up very often in anglosaxon blogosphere.

    Also, modern Greeks have about as much to do with ancient ones as modern Macedonians, so i’m not particularly concerned with the language (although i’d love to watch a movie with spoken Koine and subtitles :D). Agreed on the skin color issue, though.

    Yes, probably should’ve commented below that post :o

  8. Alee

    Happy Belated.

    Your hair is so long now, like a hippy! And you are officially, officially old. Time to retire. :)

  9. Mira


    Abagond’s blog discusses racism and most visitors are black Americans (though there are black Canadians, Brits, etc. as well as commenters of other races and nationalities). But it’s a blog that deals with some pretty problematic things in the American (and not just American) past.

    There aren’t many online spaces dedicated to issues people of colour can safely discuss from their point of view instead the dominant white one. In this way, any white commenter is in a position of knowing less about certain issues (namely, racism), because whites aren’t on the receiving end. That’s why they may seem arrogant.

    Of course, the problem is that nobody knows everything and Abagond’s visitors are not always right. But that can lead to clashing on experiences, privileges and opinions on the board.

    I find it particularly interesting when it comes to discussing stuff like this with someone who is white, like me, but not a Westerner. What does my white privilege means in this situation? What does their Western privilege means? Etc.

    i’m not feeling as old as my age, yet i feel older than it

    Yes, it’s a bit difficult to explain. I don’t feel like I’m 31; in my mind, I’m someone who’s in her early 20s or so. But at the same time, my problems and life circumstances are complicated. While they are problems of people in their 30s, I encountered them while I was in my 20s. Not sure if I can explain.

    Also, modern Greeks have about as much to do with ancient ones as modern Macedonians.

    Well, that’s yet another can of worms that deserves its own discussion.

  10. Mira


    Oh, I’m old, you say? I can tell you I don’t feel 31, not that I know how someone should feel in my age.

    My hair is actually a bit shorter than usual, because my mother coerced me into cutting split ends a few months ago.

    I don’t cut my hair. Like, at all. The last time I went to a hairdresser was in 2005.

  11. Alee

    I haven’t been to a hairdresser in a while but I cut (well, dust) my hair at home. Your hair is super duper long in comparison to your size! :P

  12. Mira Post author

    My hair is way too long for my height. It’s also not styled in any way. But it’s not as bad as it sounds. I mainly wear it in a ponytail.

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