My blog is not a popular one, and not many people know about this website. So I don’t have much of a reason to complain about hate emails and comments, or even spam.

But I do get some hate emails from time to time, and I notice they are either about song or a movie I “trashed” or about race/interracial relationships.

This is a bit confusing, because I don’t remember trashing many songs, films or novels apart from “Twilight”- and nobody complained about that. Even people who like “Twilight” like Twilight spittings, or at least don’t complain about them.

But I got one angry email concerning my not-so-favorable review of Avatar, and some people complained about my reviews of other movies, albums and novels- even if I stated I liked them. That’s right. An angry Pearl Jam fan, for example, advised me to “get back to Britney Spears” if I “can’t stand Eddie Vedder and his band”, despite the fact a) Pearl Jam is one of my favourite bands b) I like Eddie’s voice, lyrics and songs, c) it’s not really “his” band- it’s disrespectful to call it like that.

Also, some people thought I had problem with Toni Morrison (even though I said she’s one of my favourite authors), or “House M.D.” series (because I “dislike British actors (wtf?!?) or white women/black men interracial relationships”).

Which brings us to another issue: race. Race is often an issue, but the thing is, I don’t write about it. I simply don’t know much about race dynamics or have any experience with it to write about it. I did state my opinions here and there, but I never wrote about it. Yet, there are people who think I’m “siding with the enemy” (whatever that means), who think I should mind my own business, those who dislike my support for interracial relationships (or those who are angry because they think I’m against interracial relationships), and, most often, those who believe nobody should write about racism because it’s a no-issue anymore.

What is interesting about hate mail of this sort is that these people often get my gender and race wrong (which makes any of their arguments pointless), but they also often remind me I should STFU because I have no experience with race relations (well guess what- I don’t blog about it!) So I guess it has a lot to do with my involvement on other blogs that deal with race relations and racism.

What is interesting to note here is that these trolls are different than people you regularly meet online, so I guess they make a small percentage of Internet users. Still, I don’t understand why they bother, or how they (like those who think I’m trashing movies I actually like) always manage to miss the point. Completely.

Another interesting thing about authors of angry mails is that they often use contact form or find my email address without a problem, while my other visitors ignore them and post comments instead. Haters rarely comment (not that I complain), and general visitors don’t use contact form or emails. So I do find that interesting.

I worry. A lot.

Sometimes I think that’s just the way I am. You know, one of those people who can’t relax even if everything is fine. Maybe that’s who I am. But money problems always increase this. And I’m sick of worrying, tired of thinking about whether I’ll have something to eat (and yes, sometimes it’s that bad).

I am sick of it. It made me even more nervous, and it gave me grey hairs and constant stress.

I am sick of not having money, and I am sick of not knowing if I’ll ever have a decent job (and it’s not like I’m uneducated or lazy).

The problem is not the lack of money per se, but the anxiety and the fact you can’t concentrate on other things-and there are other things you should pay attention to, things that require your energy and the things you like to do.

So yeah, this was a whining post. Thanks for listening.

This post is long overdue.

Why I blog

1. I don’t. As you can see, I don’t update often. And it’s a direct violation of #1 rule of blogging: Update as much as possible. Blog often. I know all of this, and yet, I don’t have a writing schedule and I don’t take it too seriously, which results in frequent blog abandonment. Sometimes I forget to blog, and sometimes I feel I don’t have anything interesting to share.

2. I like owning a personal website. That’s how it all started, after all. I opened my first website around 2003, back in the days when blogging wasn’t popular. And I used to hate blogs and blogging, because I didn’t understand the appeal. Many people used blogs as their personal diaries, and I was never into sharing private details online. And I never enjoyed reading other people’s diaries.

But blogs soon became much more. People used them to raise issues, state their opinions and make their voices heard. This made blog reading much more exciting, but writing a quality blog proved itself to be more difficult.

My blog is tricky to define. I see it as a general (non-themed) blog, one of those you see on many personal websites. But on the other hand, it’s far from being a diary or a collection of personal reflections. This makes it, I guess, difficult to find the audience. And yet, I do have visitors- more than I had in previous years. Which brings us to:

3. Visitors. I don’t blog to get hits, but it is refreshing to see there are more visitors lately. This positive trend started about the time I decided to do something about this blog and write about subjects more people might find interesting. The site is far from being popular but for the first time, there are returning visitors and people who actually notice if I don’t update often (thanks for reminding me, Natasha and Zek!)

On the other hand, this requires a certain responsibility. Responsibility to update often and give your readers what they want (in terms of blog posts/articles). I am still learning how to be responsible when it comes to blogging.

4. Practicing my English. This one is self-explanatory. But no matter what, I don’t think my English will ever be decent enough so I could write- really write- serious stuff, such as essays or stories. It’s not a surprise but it makes me pissed.

5. Meeting new people all over the world. Not the same as “visitors” , but closely related. I can’t afford to travel (and I hope it will change!), so at the moment Internet is the only way to meet people from all over the world.

So, these are my reasons.

… Because I don’t like female authors?

Ok, this isn’t easy for me to admit. I am not even sure if it’s true. I don’t even know if it’s sexism or something else, but there are so many male authors on my favourites list- and only a few females.

You might say it’s not surprising. After all, there were- historically- more male writers. Women of the past didn’t enjoy the freedom to write and to get their voices heard. It is, more or less changed today. Still, number of male writers is still higher.

Not to mention most of the so called “classics” are written by men. It’s not surprising for anyone to have more males on the list of favourite authors.

But there’s more. I seem to dislike most of the books written by females. It’s not like it’s impossible to find many books written by female authors these days. But it seems I don’t get them. And I’m not even talking about the so-called “chick lit” garbage that we all know it’s a poor excuse for literature. I’m talking about serious books. Why don’t I like them? Or to say it better: why don’t I like them as much as I like those written by men?

Why isn’t it easier for me, as a woman, to identify with stories written by females? Am I so brainwashed with testosterone-filled world to see anything different as a good thing? But hey people, I do not believe in male vs female writing. I do not believe men write differently than women- I swear, I don’t. I do not think it’s possible to say whether a writer is a man or a woman. I don’t think testosterone or estrogen guides anyone’s heart, mind or muse. I think the whole “men and women are soooo different” issue is rubbish.

In short, I don’t think females write differently than males- but I still seem to prefer literature written by men. (On the other hand, I enjoy academic books and essays written by female scholars. But that’s not the same).

There seem to be only a few female authors I enjoy reading. One of them is one of my favourite authors (and, along with Ian McEwan, my favourite living author). I’m talking about Toni Morrison, of course. Her novels are one of the best I’ve ever read, and “Jazz” is easily in my top 10 books. The way this woman writes is unbelievable and beyond amazing. (The funny thing is, I had no idea author was a woman (or black for that matter) when I first read “Jazz”).

Except for Toni Morrison, I like work of Pearl Buck (ironic, isn’t it? I mean, for these two ladies to be my fav female authors?) I also like, in a very nostalgic way, Charlotte Bronte (but I guess that’s because Jane Eyre was perhaps my favorite book when I was a kid). And… And I can’t think of more authors at the moment. And it’s not like I don’t read.

This trend, I’m afraid, goes beyond literature. My favourite musicians are men. Maybe it could be explained with the fact I prefer deep voices and to give it as a reason for preferring male singers. Maybe. But literature?

So, am I sexist?

PS-As a little gift, here’s one female musician I like. In fact, I’m really into this song these days, it is amazing on so many levels and it inspires me. And only really unique songs can truly inspire an author. A female one, in this case.

Dear readers,

I am sorry for not updating in a while. It happens. I was a) busy and b) suddenly sick of the Internet. Yes, yours truly was actually losing interest in the Internet. I suspect it was temporary, but still…

It happens, I guess. I completely lost an inspiration for blogging- and those senior readers know it happens to me from time to time. I don’t like to blog randomly, without any idea or structure within a post, so when I’m not inspired to write something coherent, I don’t write at all. I guess it’s the same for other bloggers, but those smart out there always have an idea for at least 3 posts in advance, so they can always use those ideas. Others simply don’t care about writing randomly. Or not updating often.

All in all, I’m here. Sorry for my late replies to your comments/emails/blog posts. Hope to be more regular these days!

And now, something really cute: