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“Eclipse” movie: Crap or Camp?

Scene from EclipseTo be honest, I can’t make up my mind about “Twilight” movies (or books for that matter). “Too bad it’s hilarious” or just “too bad”?

To be honest, I must admit “Eclipse” movie was a slight improvement. Directing was better, script fas a bit more coherent, and even (even!) acting was a little less horrible. Don’t get me wrong, the movie was bad, messy and embarrassing. But it was more watchable than the previous instalments. Now that’s something, isn’t it?

“Eclipse” has its wonderful, campy, narmy moments, but there are not enough of them to make up for nonexistent story, empty dialogue and overall pointlessness of the movie. There’s also the issue of music- along with indie songs there is a serious (way tooo serious) and “epic” score. Such music is accompanied by trashy dialogue and scenes in which absolutely nothing happens. It tries (badly) to tell us meaningless dialogue along the lines of “Jacob is my friend, I want to see him” is extremely important, but it fails. The effect is somewhat amusing, thought, and it does approach the “trash gem” line.

As for the actors, I must say Kristen Stewart blinked a little less so she was less annoying, but she still looks completely bored (I don’t blame her). Robert Pattinson manages to be strangely absent and unnoticeable, which is a gift, given the fact he’s always there. He is there, but we just don’t see him. I don’t know how they did it, but it’s a good thing, because he still acts like he really, really needs to go to the bathroom every second he’s on screen. Young Taylor Lautner looks a bit older here, so his abs match his face a little better. His acting, which was almost unwatcheable in the previous movie, is a bit better- but only a bit.

All one can say about supporting characters is “blah”. Humans are not important, vampires don’t look like vampires, wolf pack is one huge fan service. Dakota Fanning and Jackson Rathbone are the only one who deserve a mention, and not for the same reason. Fanning can act, and she’s good- as good as you can get here (which is not far). She is the only one who managed to turn an extremely weak material into something “ok”, which means the girl is really, really talented. As for Rathbone, we all know he can’t act, but somehow he does look unnatural enough to pass for a vampire. The “I’m about to crap” face works better on him than Pattinson, that’s for sure.

The worst things

Another scene from Eclipse

Special effects were embarrassing to watch. Wolf pack, I’m looking at you. But there were other trashy effects so if laughing at those is your thing, “Eclipse” won’t disappoint. And I do admit, they were a bit better than “New Moon”, but still highly cringeworthy.

Also: makeup. It’s bad beyond words. Edward, who is supposed to be the most gorgeous guy on Earth, looks like a drag queen on a bad day (nothing against drag queens, but I don’t think that’s the look they wanted to achieve.)

The plot. Strictly speaking, it’s not filmmakers fault. We all know what was the source material. Simply put: it was boring. All they did in the movie was talking. And since we all know how uninspiring characters are, listening their endless dialogue was not a highly amusing thing to do.

The best things

The best things were the above mentioned narmy moments. No words to describe such scenes as “Edward, I promise, I’ll go to college and I’ll let you buy me an expensive car, and I’ll marry you, just please, fuck me!”. The legend of the third wife is also a gem, and so is homoerotic tent scene. Another good thing was the infamous scene in which Bella orders Jacob to kiss her under the fake mountains, with “epic” music in the background.

Dakota Fanning’s portrayal is the only non-narmy thing that was good in this movie.

The Verdict?

All in all, “Eclipse” is not clever, or ironic enough to pass for camp. It still takes itself way too seriously. It’s not even trashy enough to be “too bad it’s good” in a narmy way. But there’s certainly a potential.

Not to mention, the best is yet to come: “Breaking Dawn”, the ultimate wonder of trash literature, is going to be adapted in not one, but two movies. With a good attitude and inspired crew, we might be having a camp classic on the way.

Rating: ** jefflions out of *****

See also

“Eclipse”: The logic behind a boring mess (my book review)
“New Moon” movie: Not worth the LULZ
… and other “Twilight” spittings

New Twilight book: April Fools joke?

Please, tell me this is an early April Fools joke!

“Before “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse” hits theaters on June 30, “Twilight” fans will be treated to a new glimpse into author Stephenie Meyer’s vampire universe.

On June 5, the 36-year-old multimillionaire author will release “The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner,” a novella that takes place concurrently with the events in the third “Twilight” book, “Eclipse.”

Source: Stephenie Meyer’s New ‘Twilight’ Book

WTF?!?!

Shit! Fuck! Crap! Shit!

Ok, now let me rephrase that: What the fuck is this woman doing? Why don’t people stop her?!? This is insane. I mean: insane. There are so many talented writers who actually spend time researching, writing, trying to find a published, struggling, caring, trying to do their best (for example: me :D), and this talentless… individual recycles her wet dream cash cow novel over and over and over again. And people are actually interested in this?

Please, tell me it’s an April Fools joke.

Related:
“Eclipse”: The logic behind a boring mess
“New Moon” movie: Not worth the LULZ
25 things I learned reading “Twilight”
… and other “Twilight” spittings.

“Breaking Dawn”: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Finally, FINALLY, as promised- my long awaited “Breaking Dawn” rant. After all, New Moon is here (yay!) and “Twilight” is a hot topic once again (nay!)

The Good

Unlike previous books, there were some good things about “Breaking Dawn”.

Jacob’s chapters

Jacob’s chapters (and chapter titles) made this book readable. We all know Meyer still sucks as a writer, but switching to someone else’s point of view was a huge refreshment. It’s really painful to hang around Bella’s unimaginative head all the time. So this was definitely a plus. Reading about Jacob and Leah was much better; it was still miles away from any interesting plot, but at least it was READABLE. Also, for the first time in the series, I actually cared, at least a little bit, about what’s going to happen- and something was happening. I even liked some generally pathetic scenes, such as Jacob’s trip out of town in desperate wish for imprinting. Also, Meyer did try to alter her narrative a bit, so Jacob didn’t sound as boring and whiny and oh-so-perfect as the other characters.

It had a plot

Ok, “plot” might be a strong word here. “Breaking Dawn” didn’t have a real plot, of course (it’s a Stephenie Meyer’s novel after all), but it did have a good amount of plot for a Twilight book. At least something was going on, no matter how ridiculous or stupid or unoriginal it was. For the first time, we didn’t have to wait till the last 50 pages for something to happen.

Other, self-explanatory reasons

It’s finally over.
It made many fangirls antis.

The Bad

Ah, where to start?

Horrible writing

Meyer can’t write, period. And I don’t mean she has a bad writing style; she can’t even present her thoughts in a coherent way! And this one… This one looks like it was written in less than a week, and never saw an editor.

The honeymoon

Those chapters were laughable, almost pathetic. They seem more as something written by a 12 year old girl than a grown up woman. I mean… What was she thinking? Nobody buys her “romantic” fade to black sex, not even teenage girls.

Bella as a vampire

Ok, we get it, Meyer. She is the greatest Mary Sue in history of literature. There’s absolutely no need to describe her perfection in several very long, and very, very boring chapters.

The ending

Useless! Why creating the whole setting for a battle if you don’t intend characters to fight? And this was supposed to be an “epic” book? Is this how Meyer see suspense, action, mystery, adventure? (Or romance for that matter)??? I think it’s all because she can’t write; some people accuse her of “telling, not showing”, but if you ask me, she can’t even “tell”.

The Ugly

And yes, there are some truly sick things about this book. Wise people addressed all of these issues before me, so I don’t feel the need to go into details. But there are so many bizarre and simply WRONG things about this book (and, accordingly, the whole series), so you don’t really know where to start: Jacob imprinting, the birth, Nessie herself, Bella’s vampire Mary Sue superpowers, borderline-rape sex, malicious messages etc etc.

Seriously: there’s something really wrong with this woman’s sense of logic, morality and common sense. I mean: really, really wrong.

The worst thing is…

… Meyer claims her novels are about “love, not lust”. Yet, all Bella sees in Edward is how hot he is. All she wants is to have sex with him. She is ready to neglect her child in order to have sex sessions with her vampire.

Meyer claims her novels are about “making choices”. And yet, nobody- and I mean NOBODY- was allowed to make a choice; everybody was forced into a situation, or affected by “destiny”. Her characters couldn’t chose anything, sometimes not even the clothes they’ll wear (Alice chooses for them). Cullens never chose to become vampires. Jacob never chose Nessie. We all know Nessie doesn’t have a say in her future. Bella was never allowed to make any choice, either- Edward makes all the thinking for her. So WHAT is Meyer talking about, exactly????

And the bottom line

So, in short, why do I dislike “Twilight” series so much?

At first, I thought it was because of all the misogyny. Then, I thought it was about the unhealthy messages and twisted logic. I admit, I could never understand Meyer’s often bizarre sense for morality (sex is wrong, but abuse isn’t; having ambition is wrong, but pedophilia isn’t.. etc etc).

Now I see those are all valid reasons to dislike, even detest “Twilight” series, but they’re not the right ones.

The main reason for me is pretty simple, actually. Stephenie Meyer CAN NOT write. She never deserved to be a published writer; not with this glorified fanfiction. She needs to learn a lot. She needs to learn how to do a research, how to plan a story, how to show and not tell.

“Twilight” screams immaturity; her immaturity as a writer and more often than not, her immaturity as a person. Even her target audience- teenage girls- outgrow “Twilight” with “Breaking Dawn”, realizing how useless, bizarre and incoherent it was. Will Meyer ever be able to outgrow it herself?

“Eclipse”: The logic behind a boring mess

Eclipse coverI did it. I finally did it. It took me… what? Fifteen days for lousy 300 pages? Yes, it was boring as that. Sometimes, I could not force myself to read more than 3-5 pages a day.

Nothing happens in this book

I swear, nothing. At least you could say what is the main plot in “Twilight” (Mary Sue meets a vampire and starts an unhealthy relationship) and “New Moon” (Vampire leaves and Mary Sue is devastated, and being a bitch, she starts playing with a werewolf’s feelings so she could make herself feel better). This? I am not quite sure there’s any plot line in this.

Maybe is was about the new born vampires and the battle? I don’t think so, they spent most of the book talking about random stuff that had nothing to do with it. Maybe it was about Bella choosing between Edward and Jacob? But there was no choice there, we all knew what’s going to happen (read more below about this). Maybe it was all about Bella’s sexual frustration? Not sure.

Nothing makes any sense

Illogical scenes and conversations are Meyer’s trademark, but this one was just… “WTF?” altogether. Was this book supposed to be exciting? No way, all we got was strange pacing and uninteresting battle. Was this book supposed to tell us how deeply Bella and Edward love each other? But they were even less believable as a couple than in the previous books. Don’t get me wrong, they were never believable as couple, but their lack of chemistry in this book is evident. And Edward is a major, major asshole, even bigger than before.

Bad writing. Horrible writing.

I don’t really demand writing style to be perfect, as long as the writer is a good storyteller. Meyer sucks a big time here. Not just in general terms of storytelling (she- I hope unintentionally- put issues such as pedophilia, rape and abusive relationships in a book promoting traditional values and abstinence). But her writing style is horrible; sentences often make no sense, the dialog is awkward, and she has zero ability for creating believable conflicts. There’s a battle, for example, and is described as less exciting than wedding planning! OMG, Bella doesn’t want Alice to call many people to the wedding! Oh, the horror! Oh, she’s angry and hurt! Oh, and by the way, evil vampire Victoria finds them and Edward kills her. Blah. But the wedding! Does Bella like her dress?

Also, I STILL can’t imagine any of the characters, not even Edward, even though the whole first book was about how hot and perfect looking he was.

Twilight forest“Eclipse”: The good things

Now, I’m not saying this book didn’t have any good scenes. Some chapters were hilarious, but not intentionally. “Proposal” a.k.a “Fuck me” scene was made of win. The whole “I will make you a vampire if you like, but I don’t want to have sex with you before the wedding because I want to keep your soul” is priceless. Bella is not into marriage, but she just wants to feel his cold, pale, sparkle, marble penis inside her, so she agrees to marry him. Oh, true love!

The best scene, however, is the one in the tent. I was hoping for a threesome for a moment, but of course nothing of the sort happened. We did, however, learn that Edward has a small dick and is jealous of Jacob for having a big one. Meyer doesn’t state this specifically, but it is implied. Think about the Greeks vs barbarians. And there was (SPOILER) Bella and Jacob’s kiss, of course. I am older than 14 so I didn’t really find it exciting, but it was far more passionate than anything involving Bella and Edward (another proof that these two have no chemistry at all).

In fact, it is implied, more than once, that Bella is somehow FORCED into being with Edward. She knows Jacob is the right for her (“her soul mate”), she loves him, she’d be happy with him, she’d love to have cute werewolves with him… But she can’t, because she is somehow forced to be with Edward. Yes, in those words. So, Meyer herself finally admits (though, again, not openly) Edward and Bella suck as a couple, a fact we all knew about two books ago.

The ONLY logical explanation…

Finding sanity in Meyer’s messy plot is hard, but I finally found the only logical explanation to the fact Bella is forced to stay with Edward.

Ready? Ok, here it is: Bella is a werewolf and she imprinted on Edward.

Just think about it: Bella’s mother was always described as borderline slutty, so poor Charlie probably isn’t Bella’s father- one of the Natives is. So, Bella is a werewolf, but is too clumsy, dumb and incapable of doing anything right, so she doesn’t know how to phase. She, however, has a few werewolf abilities, such as the fact she is immune to most of the vampire powers. Second, she can imprint, and she did it with Edward. Now, we all know imprinting is a very, very dangerous thing, because you are forced into being with the imprintee no matter what. All of a sudden, you’d die without that person, and you just have to be with him, even though your rational self tells you he’s not the right one for you.

See? That’s the only logical explanation to this mess.

PS- If you love reading other people’s views on “Twilight” this is the right place for you. Amazing chapter by chapter summaries, with list of quotes and observations. And I especially love “Things That Really Irk Us” section.