Tag Archives: me

My birthday! I am 31 (but I totally don’t feel that way)

So, it was my 31st birthday yesterday. Nothing overly exciting, but sure better than the last year, when they cut off my electricity because of the unpaid bills. So… yeah.

It was a pretty uneven year, full of disappointments on the career/education front. But I don’t want to talk about this because it would make me so fucking depressed. The weather is horrible, BTW, not like late spring at all (rain and that shit), so I do need stuff to cheer me up.

I received some nice stuff for my birthday. A new bra (that was almost impossible to find, since my boobs are apparently “too big” for regular bras. WTF?) A history of science book from my husband.

The world also managed to cheer me up: the news were released about Benedict Cumberbatch being cast in 12 Years a Slave. Now, movies about slavery usually get a side-eye from me, but I am excited for this. Steve McQueen is an excellent director who’s not ready to compromise. Plus, Shadow and Act reviewed the script and it looks like it might be really good (no white savior shit!) Plus, Chiwetel Ejiofor rocks, so I really hope this can be a good film. And since Benedict Cumberbatch is the acting revelation of the year for me (I should blog about this one of these days), I am really excited about this.

So, that’s all, I guess. My birthday wasn’t exciting but it was relaxing enough. I am 31, but I don’t feel that way. On one hand, I am completely anxious and I feel like I’m too old and late for some things, such as the first decent job, PhD studies or, yes, children. My mom got me when she was 32, but I’ve always wanted to have at least 2-3 children. On the other hand, I can’t believe I’m 31 – I feel like I’m in my early 20s. Seriously. I had no idea you could feel like this, both younger and older than your age. But I guess it was like that with me from the start. I was always a bit older than my age in some things and completely immature and childish in others. It’s how it goes, I guess. Aren’t all people like this?

How (not) to celebrate your 30th birthday

My 30 birthday started horrible. I got a nice present yesterday; a really, really nice one: they cut off my electricity because of the unpaid bills. “Unpaid” is an overstatement: I do pay regularly, just not the full amount. (It’s not that I don’t want to… I don’t have enough money to pay). They are relatively tolerant, that is, if you pay at least a small amount when they send you a warning. But I never received the warning, because my postman sucks and refuses to do his job.

So, there I was, no electricity, and panicking. So I called my mother and begged her to pay the bill with her credit card. She got pissed, but went with it. *

* For my international ( = non-Balkan readers): Parents supporting their kids well into their 30s is a normal thing here. Everybody does that. Old people have the most stable income (pension), while people who work… Not so much. So it’s not a rare thing for a person to support her child (who is married) and her grandchildren.

My mother, however… Is specific. She is quite lonely (she has virtually no friends), so she can get possessive and passive-aggressive. To be dependent on her is not a fun thing.

So, I am broke now. Well, I am always broke, but now even more; I am so broke I can’t afford to invite a few friends over for drinks and a cake.

But I digress. After I got the money (more money than I even had with me), and after I gave all of it to those who shall not be named (but work for this rotten, twisted country), I went home. They promised to turn the electricity on today, which meant one night with candlelight. The problem was, I had no candles. So I’ve spent good amount of time looking for one.

Then I got back at my flat, only to discover that the freezer broke. The ice melted, only to expose a tiny hole (that I didn’t know existed). The hole produced a threatening, hissing sound, probably due to freon (or some shit) coming out. I suck at chemistry so I had no idea whether that crap is a) toxic, b) flammable, so it scared the shit out of me. I had to take that crap out of my place.

So my husband and I did it. I am short and weak, and the doctor warned him against lifting heavy things, but there was no way I’d let that thing stay in my flat. So we tried to move it (as heavy as it was), only to realize the cable stuck somewhere behind it, in the total darkness. So I had to take the knife and cut the cable (still in darkness!) to move the fucking thing. While I was doing it I realized how absurd the whole thing was. But it wasn’t funny.

I’ll spare you the details of carrying the freezer to the elevator, and then carrying it across the street to toss it, and me whining in pain because the fucking thing was so heavy. And then getting back to the apartment and carrying the wooden box that the freezer stood on. And then trying to wash yourself, in total darkness.

It was midnight by then, and my birthday officially started. I got a text message from Iva , and I couldn’t answer. It was all surreal somehow.

I woke up this morning with a sharp pain in my chest. I know that feeling: it’s how my body reacts to stress. Another common symptom is not being able to eat (which is not a bad thing, since I’m broke), and random periods.

So, that’s it, I guess. I was really looking forward to my 30th birthday. I wanted to relax a bit, and do nothing, and stop worrying for a change. And now it will take me days to recover from this.

The picture posted here was taken by Iva about a week ago. I don’t feel like I’m 30, and then again, I do. People say I don’t look 30 (the only “problematic” thing are dark circles under my eyes, but it’s not due to age, but glasses: I’ve always had them and hated them).

All in all, that’s it, I guess. My relaxation will have to wait. Thanks for reading. A good thing about writing something bad down (which I rarely do, btw) is the fact it makes it seem less real. (At least after a while).