Tag Archives: new moon

New Twilight book: April Fools joke?

Please, tell me this is an early April Fools joke!

“Before “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse” hits theaters on June 30, “Twilight” fans will be treated to a new glimpse into author Stephenie Meyer’s vampire universe.

On June 5, the 36-year-old multimillionaire author will release “The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner,” a novella that takes place concurrently with the events in the third “Twilight” book, “Eclipse.”

Source: Stephenie Meyer’s New ‘Twilight’ Book

WTF?!?!

Shit! Fuck! Crap! Shit!

Ok, now let me rephrase that: What the fuck is this woman doing? Why don’t people stop her?!? This is insane. I mean: insane. There are so many talented writers who actually spend time researching, writing, trying to find a published, struggling, caring, trying to do their best (for example: me :D), and this talentless… individual recycles her wet dream cash cow novel over and over and over again. And people are actually interested in this?

Please, tell me it’s an April Fools joke.

Related:
“Eclipse”: The logic behind a boring mess
“New Moon” movie: Not worth the LULZ
25 things I learned reading “Twilight”
… and other “Twilight” spittings.

Don’t write about race

… It will get weird quickly.

Remember my race related entry? Along with “New Moon” review, that’s the one that got all the attention. Unwanted attention, sure, but I am not complaining.

Or maybe I do? “I am racist” entry got many visitors; some of them were first (and only) time visitors. And many of them came from… strange places, to say the least. I don’t think any white supremacist could have fun here (there’s nothing- I repeat: nothing) that can lead them here (or at least I hope so), but the entry was obviously intriguing and misleading.

To make two things clear

One: When I said I was racist, I didn’t mean I was racist towards black people. On the contrary. Read the whole entry before making a judgment.

Second: Even though my test results show I have prejudice towards white people, that doesn’t mean I hate white people. After all, I am white. My friends and family are white. Heck, all the people I know are white.

Which is precisely why the test result don’t show my racism- rather my social anxiety. I am very (and I mean: very) shy, and I lack profound social skills. To be honest, I don’t fully understand people, nor they understand me. I don’t hate humans, I really don’t- but there’s obviously something in me that have at least a bit of fear when it comes to social contacts. On the other hand, I am friendly and I like meeting new people; but my lack of social skills sometimes make those interactions awkward.

And since white people are the only people I know, the test show my social anxiety rather than racism.

So, you don’t want to comment? Fine.

Back to my blog post. That entry was really popular, but people refused to comment (same goes for “New Moon” entry, but more about it some other time). There’s only one (ok, two) reasons for this:

1. People don’t give a fuck about commenting. (Could be true).
2. People feel embarrassed about their test results.

While I believe majority of my visitors don’t care about commenting on a random blog, I fear some of them could feel awkward after taking the test. Say you got the most popular result (you prefer white people to black). So what? It’s not like you failed to make a point or something. That result is the most popular because there are reasons for it to be. It’s the world around us that make that result so popular. Think about it.

The result could- and should- make you think, but it doesn’t make you a monster. Now, being proud of your racist result is another thing. But that’s yet another story.

“New Moon” movie: Not worth the LULZ

The movie’s IMDB page states this trivia: “New Moon” is actually Robert Pattinson’s favorite book in the Twilight series.

And it’s crystal clear why. He is absent from most of it.

The viewers don’t have the same luck; more than two hours of the “new saga chapter” feel pretty exhausting and tiresome at moments. On the other hand, it’s not worth the LULZ, so to speak; there isn’t any amusing material even for the hard core “Twilight” haters.

Not that the little improvements aren’t visible. Visually, the movie looks better than it’s predecessor. The blue colour scheme is gone- “New Moon” is richer in colours and looks (and feels) more healthy. Perhaps it was done on purpose? To mark healthier atmosphere once the vampires are gone from Forks? In any case, the move looks a bit more coherent (given the source material) and directing, while obviously uninspired, is somewhat better. So those are the good things.

And the bad things?

Where to start? Seriously, watching this film was painful. The reason: distractions caused by low budget effects and untalented actors. Just think about it. They refused to invest in special effects, so we got even worse coloured contacts, cheap wigs and makeup that just doesn’t work the way it should. And not to mention CGI wolves. Oh please, let’s not mention CGI wolves!

And I guess it’s pointless to talk about acting in this flick (or lack thereof); after all, everything is blatantly obvious. Except for the Volturi crew, which was decent (especially young Dakota Fanning), everyone else was bad. Now, bad comes in many levels, and some actors were simply unwatchable. Here I point at Ashley Greene, whose Alice was beyond annoying.

And the main trio was horrible, as expected, so much it’s hard to say which one of them was the worst. RPAttz saved himself from much embarrassment this time because he was (lucky us!) absent for most of the movie, which leaves Kristen and Taylor. They lacked any chemistry and were absolutely unable to capture the warm feeling of friendship and falling in love. I don’t hide that it was my favourite (or, least hated) part in the whole series- the only thing Meyer got right. Here, it’s absent.

All the major scenes and conversations are there, but the feeling isn’t. Which means Kristen and Taylor fail miserably.

Kristen Stewart lacks acting talent, but you can’t really say she makes a terrible Bella. After all, the character is supposed to be annoying and unsympathetic. Which means Taylor Lautner was the one who failed a big time. The kid isn’t horrible, but… What am I saying? The kid IS horrible. He simply doesn’t have the talent needed to pull through all the emotional scenes nor the maturity to grow with his character. And considering Jacob is pretty much THE ONLY semi-decent and three
dimensional character in the whole “saga”, one can see the problem.

However, it’s important to note that New Moon’s main fault is the story itself. No screenwriter or director can make anything semi-watchable out of Stephenie Meyer’s work. “Twilight” novels are terrible- simple as that- so it’s impossible to expect a movie adaptation to be any better. But I must admit that, given the source material, the low budget effects and horrible acting, “New Moon” isn’t THAT horrible. It isn’t bad in a too-bad-that-it’s-good way, so it’s more mediocre than amusing. Not the worst movie in history, but pretty forgettable.

All in all, I could think of much better ways to spend two hours of my time. So can you.

The best moment:
Jasper’s only movie line.

No, seriously, the best moment:
Jasper trying to kill Bella. (Sadly, he fails).

The worst moment:
Any Robert Pattinson scene. That makeup was simply painful to watch.

Rating: *1/2 jefflions out of *****

“Breaking Dawn”: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Finally, FINALLY, as promised- my long awaited “Breaking Dawn” rant. After all, New Moon is here (yay!) and “Twilight” is a hot topic once again (nay!)

The Good

Unlike previous books, there were some good things about “Breaking Dawn”.

Jacob’s chapters

Jacob’s chapters (and chapter titles) made this book readable. We all know Meyer still sucks as a writer, but switching to someone else’s point of view was a huge refreshment. It’s really painful to hang around Bella’s unimaginative head all the time. So this was definitely a plus. Reading about Jacob and Leah was much better; it was still miles away from any interesting plot, but at least it was READABLE. Also, for the first time in the series, I actually cared, at least a little bit, about what’s going to happen- and something was happening. I even liked some generally pathetic scenes, such as Jacob’s trip out of town in desperate wish for imprinting. Also, Meyer did try to alter her narrative a bit, so Jacob didn’t sound as boring and whiny and oh-so-perfect as the other characters.

It had a plot

Ok, “plot” might be a strong word here. “Breaking Dawn” didn’t have a real plot, of course (it’s a Stephenie Meyer’s novel after all), but it did have a good amount of plot for a Twilight book. At least something was going on, no matter how ridiculous or stupid or unoriginal it was. For the first time, we didn’t have to wait till the last 50 pages for something to happen.

Other, self-explanatory reasons

It’s finally over.
It made many fangirls antis.

The Bad

Ah, where to start?

Horrible writing

Meyer can’t write, period. And I don’t mean she has a bad writing style; she can’t even present her thoughts in a coherent way! And this one… This one looks like it was written in less than a week, and never saw an editor.

The honeymoon

Those chapters were laughable, almost pathetic. They seem more as something written by a 12 year old girl than a grown up woman. I mean… What was she thinking? Nobody buys her “romantic” fade to black sex, not even teenage girls.

Bella as a vampire

Ok, we get it, Meyer. She is the greatest Mary Sue in history of literature. There’s absolutely no need to describe her perfection in several very long, and very, very boring chapters.

The ending

Useless! Why creating the whole setting for a battle if you don’t intend characters to fight? And this was supposed to be an “epic” book? Is this how Meyer see suspense, action, mystery, adventure? (Or romance for that matter)??? I think it’s all because she can’t write; some people accuse her of “telling, not showing”, but if you ask me, she can’t even “tell”.

The Ugly

And yes, there are some truly sick things about this book. Wise people addressed all of these issues before me, so I don’t feel the need to go into details. But there are so many bizarre and simply WRONG things about this book (and, accordingly, the whole series), so you don’t really know where to start: Jacob imprinting, the birth, Nessie herself, Bella’s vampire Mary Sue superpowers, borderline-rape sex, malicious messages etc etc.

Seriously: there’s something really wrong with this woman’s sense of logic, morality and common sense. I mean: really, really wrong.

The worst thing is…

… Meyer claims her novels are about “love, not lust”. Yet, all Bella sees in Edward is how hot he is. All she wants is to have sex with him. She is ready to neglect her child in order to have sex sessions with her vampire.

Meyer claims her novels are about “making choices”. And yet, nobody- and I mean NOBODY- was allowed to make a choice; everybody was forced into a situation, or affected by “destiny”. Her characters couldn’t chose anything, sometimes not even the clothes they’ll wear (Alice chooses for them). Cullens never chose to become vampires. Jacob never chose Nessie. We all know Nessie doesn’t have a say in her future. Bella was never allowed to make any choice, either- Edward makes all the thinking for her. So WHAT is Meyer talking about, exactly????

And the bottom line

So, in short, why do I dislike “Twilight” series so much?

At first, I thought it was because of all the misogyny. Then, I thought it was about the unhealthy messages and twisted logic. I admit, I could never understand Meyer’s often bizarre sense for morality (sex is wrong, but abuse isn’t; having ambition is wrong, but pedophilia isn’t.. etc etc).

Now I see those are all valid reasons to dislike, even detest “Twilight” series, but they’re not the right ones.

The main reason for me is pretty simple, actually. Stephenie Meyer CAN NOT write. She never deserved to be a published writer; not with this glorified fanfiction. She needs to learn a lot. She needs to learn how to do a research, how to plan a story, how to show and not tell.

“Twilight” screams immaturity; her immaturity as a writer and more often than not, her immaturity as a person. Even her target audience- teenage girls- outgrow “Twilight” with “Breaking Dawn”, realizing how useless, bizarre and incoherent it was. Will Meyer ever be able to outgrow it herself?

New Moon: Here we go again

New Moon coverSaying something is “the best in the series” doesn’t mean much when it comes to Stephenie Meyer’s work. So, instead “the best” put “not the worst” and you’ll get it.

No Edward? Yay!
“New Moon” is poorly written, lacks plot and fails at logic. Just like any other book in the “saga”. Still, it’s a bit better than the rest (I still have to read Breaking Dawn, though). Why? Well, first of all, for the most of the book, Edward is absent. I’m in no way in “team Jacob” or whatever you call it, but he was a better character (at this point anyway), and we were spared from Edward’s controlling, abusive “perfection” for the most of the book.

A message for teenage girls
I actually enjoyed first part of the book, if nothing else, it made sense (which is not that common in the Meyer world). Sure, we had “the ultimate depression and suicide thoughts because your boyfriend left you” Bella, but even that worked for me. Why? Because it shows, pretty realistically, what is like when you’re absolutely obsessed and how desperate you become when the source of your obsession leaves; this kind of unhealthy feelings and bad relationship is very sad indeed, but it’s realistic. After all, Meyer finally has an opportunity to really set an example for all those teenagers who love “Twilight”. Watch this, young ladies, and do the opposite. See how unhealthy and creepy obsessions are. Of course, setting an example is not really what Meyer wanted to tell us, since she pictured Bella’s feelings as something normal and good, and her relationship with Edward as true love. Yeah, right.

Do I see a healthy relationship here???
And then we have Jacob. At this point, he seems like the only decent character in the series (apart from Charlie). I’m not sure if Meyer herself was able to recognize this, but she actually managed (for the first and last time) to create a believable, healthy relationship between two people. Yet, she was as stupid as her “heroine” and was 100% unable to recognize this.

Take this for example: All Bella knows about love is an obsessive relationship with her abusive, controlling boyfriend. And now, she’s with a guy who makes her smile, who does a lot of nice things for her, who comforts her, who likes her and TREATS HER AS AN EQUAL (well, more or less). And Bella does feel something for him- but she can’t tell what that is, because all she knows is obsession.

To quote “New Moon”:
“I couldn’t stand hurting Jacob; we seemed to be connected in an odd way”.

Odd way? That’s love, you stupid bitch, but of course you can’t recognize it, since it’s not obsession and since your creator (Meyer) can’t recognize it either.

“Blah” ending
Well, Meyer has to continue with her own obsession with Edward, so we get another amazingly stupid plot, even a little action (in which we learn Bella is even bigger Mary Sue, since she is immune to the powers of the most powerful vampires on Earth), and before you know it, she gets another happy (book) ending with Edward. In the process, she breaks Jacob’s heart and shows exactly how selfish and bitchy she is, and demonstrates in several perfect examples she doesn’t fucking care about Jacob’s feelings. But fear not, he will not act like a realistic character in the next couple of books, because he won’t tell her to eat shit and die, but will start to obsess about her really hard (until we find out in the book 4 that – SPOILER – he was, in fact, in love with her egg cell /SPOILER).

All in all, this is the best shit by Meyer so far, but still shit and still full of really bad messages for teenagers.