Tag Archives: stephenie meyer

Dva do

(Read the post’s title as: 2do)

Ok, I had a lot of work to do these days. Both online and offline. I still have to think about several papers I must write, and I am not quite sure about the subjects, yet. Have to think of something semi-interesting at least.

Ugly weather. Grrrr…
It really hard for me to think with the weather like this. It’s really, REALLY cold, and it was sunny just 3 days ago. Ugh! Sometimes, I hate autumn. Well, not autumn itself, but the coooold weather. Sure, my allergies are under control now, and I often get nostalgic during these months… Which is both a good and a bad thing. Getting way too nostalgic and emotional is not good, because I can easily become depressed. I can’t think when I’m in a cranky mood (who can?) and that makes me useless.

Article for Site glamour contest
Other than that, I found some time to write an article for “Site Glamour contest”. I chose a pretty generic topic, I am afraid, but that’s the only one I could write about. After all, I don’t know anything about two of the subjects, and the last one could get too personal.

Twilight rants will become “Spittings”
Oh, and I am so proud (in a lolwut way) my “Twilight” rants are getting popular, so I’ve decided to move them to “Spittings” and give them a section of their own. I’ll polish my reviews and add a few additional rants. First have to read “Breaking Dawn”, though. I’m lazy. I read the first part (Bella) and, while it wasn’t as boring as the previous novels, it sure looked horrible and even more resembled a fanfiction written by a 12 year old. Oh, well.

Promoting abstinence?
But at least I think I understand why these crappy books became so popular… It’s really easy to please teenage audience, that’s for sure; all you have to do is write about a hot guy. But an ugly reason behind “Twilight” success was the fact publishers (or whoever is guilty) thought those novels promote abstinence and therefore are safe for young American girls to read. Ok, I admit, I am not a particular fan of abstinence programs and I do not think they work, but in any case, these books are not “safe” for kids to read. First of all, those books don’t promote abstinence; if nothing, they show teenagers get sexually frustrated and therefore marry at the age of 18 just to have sex. Second of all, abstinence or not, these novels promote many bad and unhealthy things, such as abusive relationships, obsessive and controlling behavior, child neglecting and selfishness. Not to mention pedophilia.

Now, I am sure Meyer herself didn’t want to promote all those bizarre things; she is simply a really untalented writer who doesn’t know how to make a point even when she wants. But still, what were editors/publishers/parents thinking???

“Eclipse”: The logic behind a boring mess

Eclipse coverI did it. I finally did it. It took me… what? Fifteen days for lousy 300 pages? Yes, it was boring as that. Sometimes, I could not force myself to read more than 3-5 pages a day.

Nothing happens in this book

I swear, nothing. At least you could say what is the main plot in “Twilight” (Mary Sue meets a vampire and starts an unhealthy relationship) and “New Moon” (Vampire leaves and Mary Sue is devastated, and being a bitch, she starts playing with a werewolf’s feelings so she could make herself feel better). This? I am not quite sure there’s any plot line in this.

Maybe is was about the new born vampires and the battle? I don’t think so, they spent most of the book talking about random stuff that had nothing to do with it. Maybe it was about Bella choosing between Edward and Jacob? But there was no choice there, we all knew what’s going to happen (read more below about this). Maybe it was all about Bella’s sexual frustration? Not sure.

Nothing makes any sense

Illogical scenes and conversations are Meyer’s trademark, but this one was just… “WTF?” altogether. Was this book supposed to be exciting? No way, all we got was strange pacing and uninteresting battle. Was this book supposed to tell us how deeply Bella and Edward love each other? But they were even less believable as a couple than in the previous books. Don’t get me wrong, they were never believable as couple, but their lack of chemistry in this book is evident. And Edward is a major, major asshole, even bigger than before.

Bad writing. Horrible writing.

I don’t really demand writing style to be perfect, as long as the writer is a good storyteller. Meyer sucks a big time here. Not just in general terms of storytelling (she- I hope unintentionally- put issues such as pedophilia, rape and abusive relationships in a book promoting traditional values and abstinence). But her writing style is horrible; sentences often make no sense, the dialog is awkward, and she has zero ability for creating believable conflicts. There’s a battle, for example, and is described as less exciting than wedding planning! OMG, Bella doesn’t want Alice to call many people to the wedding! Oh, the horror! Oh, she’s angry and hurt! Oh, and by the way, evil vampire Victoria finds them and Edward kills her. Blah. But the wedding! Does Bella like her dress?

Also, I STILL can’t imagine any of the characters, not even Edward, even though the whole first book was about how hot and perfect looking he was.

Twilight forest“Eclipse”: The good things

Now, I’m not saying this book didn’t have any good scenes. Some chapters were hilarious, but not intentionally. “Proposal” a.k.a “Fuck me” scene was made of win. The whole “I will make you a vampire if you like, but I don’t want to have sex with you before the wedding because I want to keep your soul” is priceless. Bella is not into marriage, but she just wants to feel his cold, pale, sparkle, marble penis inside her, so she agrees to marry him. Oh, true love!

The best scene, however, is the one in the tent. I was hoping for a threesome for a moment, but of course nothing of the sort happened. We did, however, learn that Edward has a small dick and is jealous of Jacob for having a big one. Meyer doesn’t state this specifically, but it is implied. Think about the Greeks vs barbarians. And there was (SPOILER) Bella and Jacob’s kiss, of course. I am older than 14 so I didn’t really find it exciting, but it was far more passionate than anything involving Bella and Edward (another proof that these two have no chemistry at all).

In fact, it is implied, more than once, that Bella is somehow FORCED into being with Edward. She knows Jacob is the right for her (“her soul mate”), she loves him, she’d be happy with him, she’d love to have cute werewolves with him… But she can’t, because she is somehow forced to be with Edward. Yes, in those words. So, Meyer herself finally admits (though, again, not openly) Edward and Bella suck as a couple, a fact we all knew about two books ago.

The ONLY logical explanation…

Finding sanity in Meyer’s messy plot is hard, but I finally found the only logical explanation to the fact Bella is forced to stay with Edward.

Ready? Ok, here it is: Bella is a werewolf and she imprinted on Edward.

Just think about it: Bella’s mother was always described as borderline slutty, so poor Charlie probably isn’t Bella’s father- one of the Natives is. So, Bella is a werewolf, but is too clumsy, dumb and incapable of doing anything right, so she doesn’t know how to phase. She, however, has a few werewolf abilities, such as the fact she is immune to most of the vampire powers. Second, she can imprint, and she did it with Edward. Now, we all know imprinting is a very, very dangerous thing, because you are forced into being with the imprintee no matter what. All of a sudden, you’d die without that person, and you just have to be with him, even though your rational self tells you he’s not the right one for you.

See? That’s the only logical explanation to this mess.

PS- If you love reading other people’s views on “Twilight” this is the right place for you. Amazing chapter by chapter summaries, with list of quotes and observations. And I especially love “Things That Really Irk Us” section.

New Moon: Here we go again

New Moon coverSaying something is “the best in the series” doesn’t mean much when it comes to Stephenie Meyer’s work. So, instead “the best” put “not the worst” and you’ll get it.

No Edward? Yay!
“New Moon” is poorly written, lacks plot and fails at logic. Just like any other book in the “saga”. Still, it’s a bit better than the rest (I still have to read Breaking Dawn, though). Why? Well, first of all, for the most of the book, Edward is absent. I’m in no way in “team Jacob” or whatever you call it, but he was a better character (at this point anyway), and we were spared from Edward’s controlling, abusive “perfection” for the most of the book.

A message for teenage girls
I actually enjoyed first part of the book, if nothing else, it made sense (which is not that common in the Meyer world). Sure, we had “the ultimate depression and suicide thoughts because your boyfriend left you” Bella, but even that worked for me. Why? Because it shows, pretty realistically, what is like when you’re absolutely obsessed and how desperate you become when the source of your obsession leaves; this kind of unhealthy feelings and bad relationship is very sad indeed, but it’s realistic. After all, Meyer finally has an opportunity to really set an example for all those teenagers who love “Twilight”. Watch this, young ladies, and do the opposite. See how unhealthy and creepy obsessions are. Of course, setting an example is not really what Meyer wanted to tell us, since she pictured Bella’s feelings as something normal and good, and her relationship with Edward as true love. Yeah, right.

Do I see a healthy relationship here???
And then we have Jacob. At this point, he seems like the only decent character in the series (apart from Charlie). I’m not sure if Meyer herself was able to recognize this, but she actually managed (for the first and last time) to create a believable, healthy relationship between two people. Yet, she was as stupid as her “heroine” and was 100% unable to recognize this.

Take this for example: All Bella knows about love is an obsessive relationship with her abusive, controlling boyfriend. And now, she’s with a guy who makes her smile, who does a lot of nice things for her, who comforts her, who likes her and TREATS HER AS AN EQUAL (well, more or less). And Bella does feel something for him- but she can’t tell what that is, because all she knows is obsession.

To quote “New Moon”:
“I couldn’t stand hurting Jacob; we seemed to be connected in an odd way”.

Odd way? That’s love, you stupid bitch, but of course you can’t recognize it, since it’s not obsession and since your creator (Meyer) can’t recognize it either.

“Blah” ending
Well, Meyer has to continue with her own obsession with Edward, so we get another amazingly stupid plot, even a little action (in which we learn Bella is even bigger Mary Sue, since she is immune to the powers of the most powerful vampires on Earth), and before you know it, she gets another happy (book) ending with Edward. In the process, she breaks Jacob’s heart and shows exactly how selfish and bitchy she is, and demonstrates in several perfect examples she doesn’t fucking care about Jacob’s feelings. But fear not, he will not act like a realistic character in the next couple of books, because he won’t tell her to eat shit and die, but will start to obsess about her really hard (until we find out in the book 4 that – SPOILER – he was, in fact, in love with her egg cell /SPOILER).

All in all, this is the best shit by Meyer so far, but still shit and still full of really bad messages for teenagers.

“Twilight” rant… I mean, review!

PhotobucketI guess all about Meyer and her work has been said. So, for a moment, I thought the world didn’t need my rant about it… Until I realized I had to do it anyway. So, here it is, my “Twilight” rant number one. Enjoy.

How to keep an open mind?
I am fairly new to this (already dying?) “Twilight” mania, but of course I knew a lot about the book even before I read it: the so-called plot (that didn’t really exist), poor writing (I’ve read excerpts before), misogynistic messages and Meyer’s obsession with her main character. Nevertheless, I’ve tried to read the book with an open mind. I swear to God, I tried my best, but the outcome is the same- Stephenie’s writing sucks. In a very bad way.

Seriously, those books are a phenomenon for themselves: how come they are so painfully boring to read, and yet, they won’t make you stop? Don’t get me wrong, I know quite a few people who stopped after a few chapters. But I also know many masochists who just kept reading. And I admit, I just have to read all of those books, even though I’m pissed with everything about them.

Can somebody explain this to me? Is it because I am hoping something- anything- will actually happen on the next page? Is it because it’s “so bad it’s good”? No, it’s can’t be it. Is it because Meyer’s writing makes you sucked into her protagonist’s mind that you can not escape?

I am far away from a romantic teenager who likes any of her characters; but the writing style just makes you part of the story- and I think this is the key point here. Bella’s head is pretty boring place to hang around; and yet, you’re stuck in there and you can’t help it but to become part of the story (or, should I say, sexual fantasy). It’s like you can read minds. It’s not pretty. It’s difficult, it’s boring, it’s pointless, it’s above all annoying to read mind of such an obsessive person and follow her around, but, since you’re there, it’s hard to stop.

Good. But that doesn’t make “Twilight” books any less plotless, pointless, boring and, above all, bizarre. Yes, bizarre. And mind you, I still haven’t read the ultimate WTF book (“Breaking Dawn”), and yet, it’s creepy. Every aspect of it.

The writing is… strange to say the least, especially in the first book. First of all, NOTHING HAPPENS (all we get to see is Bella waking up, washing her teeth, cooking for her dad, driving to school, thinking about Edward, obsessing about Edward). And I also had a huge problem with the descriptions. It’s a major fail. After pages and pages of descriptions (mainly Edward), I still can not picture the guy, or any other character.

Twilight morality… Or lack thereof
The fact it’s really poorly written it’s not my main problem with “Twilight”. It’s its morality that makes me angry.

I’m sorry, but we’re talking about a world where swearing is avoided at all costs and premarital sex is a HUGE no-no, but stalking, controlling, borderline-rapists and pedophilia is ok… Well, there’s something really wrong with “Twilight” morality (and logic, but that’s another story), that I really find the story creepy. And bizarre.

PS- I guess I could add a few words about the two main characters, since they are guilty of sending all those bad messages to girls around the world.

Bella can’t tell the difference between friendship, lust, true love and obsession. She obsesses about Edward while she actually lusts for him; but because she is a good and pure and a nice girl, she doesn’t want to admit it to herself, so she confuses her feelings for true love.

Now, I’m not saying Meyer is crazy, but she sure is waaaaay immature for her age if, as a woman in her 30s, married and with kids, can’t tell difference between healthy relationship and obsession.

And not to mention Bella is selfish and ungrateful bitch. Why is she so evil to her father? (the only character in the book I really liked, btw). We never get a proper explanation for this.

Is there anything new to say about Edward? He is, after all, an abusive, controlling guy with a bunch of problems (being vampire is the least serious of them).

Actually, the romance had a potential, I guess, but Meyer failed to portray Edward’s personality and his backstory well. I guess the guy has no personality behind a pretty face. Another proof he’s just a perfect (wet) dream, nothing more. Well, not MY wet dream, Meyer.