Tag Archives: twilight review

“New Moon” movie: Not worth the LULZ

The movie’s IMDB page states this trivia: “New Moon” is actually Robert Pattinson’s favorite book in the Twilight series.

And it’s crystal clear why. He is absent from most of it.

The viewers don’t have the same luck; more than two hours of the “new saga chapter” feel pretty exhausting and tiresome at moments. On the other hand, it’s not worth the LULZ, so to speak; there isn’t any amusing material even for the hard core “Twilight” haters.

Not that the little improvements aren’t visible. Visually, the movie looks better than it’s predecessor. The blue colour scheme is gone- “New Moon” is richer in colours and looks (and feels) more healthy. Perhaps it was done on purpose? To mark healthier atmosphere once the vampires are gone from Forks? In any case, the move looks a bit more coherent (given the source material) and directing, while obviously uninspired, is somewhat better. So those are the good things.

And the bad things?

Where to start? Seriously, watching this film was painful. The reason: distractions caused by low budget effects and untalented actors. Just think about it. They refused to invest in special effects, so we got even worse coloured contacts, cheap wigs and makeup that just doesn’t work the way it should. And not to mention CGI wolves. Oh please, let’s not mention CGI wolves!

And I guess it’s pointless to talk about acting in this flick (or lack thereof); after all, everything is blatantly obvious. Except for the Volturi crew, which was decent (especially young Dakota Fanning), everyone else was bad. Now, bad comes in many levels, and some actors were simply unwatchable. Here I point at Ashley Greene, whose Alice was beyond annoying.

And the main trio was horrible, as expected, so much it’s hard to say which one of them was the worst. RPAttz saved himself from much embarrassment this time because he was (lucky us!) absent for most of the movie, which leaves Kristen and Taylor. They lacked any chemistry and were absolutely unable to capture the warm feeling of friendship and falling in love. I don’t hide that it was my favourite (or, least hated) part in the whole series- the only thing Meyer got right. Here, it’s absent.

All the major scenes and conversations are there, but the feeling isn’t. Which means Kristen and Taylor fail miserably.

Kristen Stewart lacks acting talent, but you can’t really say she makes a terrible Bella. After all, the character is supposed to be annoying and unsympathetic. Which means Taylor Lautner was the one who failed a big time. The kid isn’t horrible, but… What am I saying? The kid IS horrible. He simply doesn’t have the talent needed to pull through all the emotional scenes nor the maturity to grow with his character. And considering Jacob is pretty much THE ONLY semi-decent and three
dimensional character in the whole “saga”, one can see the problem.

However, it’s important to note that New Moon’s main fault is the story itself. No screenwriter or director can make anything semi-watchable out of Stephenie Meyer’s work. “Twilight” novels are terrible- simple as that- so it’s impossible to expect a movie adaptation to be any better. But I must admit that, given the source material, the low budget effects and horrible acting, “New Moon” isn’t THAT horrible. It isn’t bad in a too-bad-that-it’s-good way, so it’s more mediocre than amusing. Not the worst movie in history, but pretty forgettable.

All in all, I could think of much better ways to spend two hours of my time. So can you.

The best moment:
Jasper’s only movie line.

No, seriously, the best moment:
Jasper trying to kill Bella. (Sadly, he fails).

The worst moment:
Any Robert Pattinson scene. That makeup was simply painful to watch.

Rating: *1/2 jefflions out of *****

“Twilight” rant… I mean, review!

PhotobucketI guess all about Meyer and her work has been said. So, for a moment, I thought the world didn’t need my rant about it… Until I realized I had to do it anyway. So, here it is, my “Twilight” rant number one. Enjoy.

How to keep an open mind?
I am fairly new to this (already dying?) “Twilight” mania, but of course I knew a lot about the book even before I read it: the so-called plot (that didn’t really exist), poor writing (I’ve read excerpts before), misogynistic messages and Meyer’s obsession with her main character. Nevertheless, I’ve tried to read the book with an open mind. I swear to God, I tried my best, but the outcome is the same- Stephenie’s writing sucks. In a very bad way.

Phenomenon
Seriously, those books are a phenomenon for themselves: how come they are so painfully boring to read, and yet, they won’t make you stop? Don’t get me wrong, I know quite a few people who stopped after a few chapters. But I also know many masochists who just kept reading. And I admit, I just have to read all of those books, even though I’m pissed with everything about them.

Can somebody explain this to me? Is it because I am hoping something- anything- will actually happen on the next page? Is it because it’s “so bad it’s good”? No, it’s can’t be it. Is it because Meyer’s writing makes you sucked into her protagonist’s mind that you can not escape?

I am far away from a romantic teenager who likes any of her characters; but the writing style just makes you part of the story- and I think this is the key point here. Bella’s head is pretty boring place to hang around; and yet, you’re stuck in there and you can’t help it but to become part of the story (or, should I say, sexual fantasy). It’s like you can read minds. It’s not pretty. It’s difficult, it’s boring, it’s pointless, it’s above all annoying to read mind of such an obsessive person and follow her around, but, since you’re there, it’s hard to stop.

Good. But that doesn’t make “Twilight” books any less plotless, pointless, boring and, above all, bizarre. Yes, bizarre. And mind you, I still haven’t read the ultimate WTF book (“Breaking Dawn”), and yet, it’s creepy. Every aspect of it.

PhotobucketBooooring!
The writing is… strange to say the least, especially in the first book. First of all, NOTHING HAPPENS (all we get to see is Bella waking up, washing her teeth, cooking for her dad, driving to school, thinking about Edward, obsessing about Edward). And I also had a huge problem with the descriptions. It’s a major fail. After pages and pages of descriptions (mainly Edward), I still can not picture the guy, or any other character.

Twilight morality… Or lack thereof
The fact it’s really poorly written it’s not my main problem with “Twilight”. It’s its morality that makes me angry.

I’m sorry, but we’re talking about a world where swearing is avoided at all costs and premarital sex is a HUGE no-no, but stalking, controlling, borderline-rapists and pedophilia is ok… Well, there’s something really wrong with “Twilight” morality (and logic, but that’s another story), that I really find the story creepy. And bizarre.

PS- I guess I could add a few words about the two main characters, since they are guilty of sending all those bad messages to girls around the world.

Bella
Bella can’t tell the difference between friendship, lust, true love and obsession. She obsesses about Edward while she actually lusts for him; but because she is a good and pure and a nice girl, she doesn’t want to admit it to herself, so she confuses her feelings for true love.

Now, I’m not saying Meyer is crazy, but she sure is waaaaay immature for her age if, as a woman in her 30s, married and with kids, can’t tell difference between healthy relationship and obsession.

And not to mention Bella is selfish and ungrateful bitch. Why is she so evil to her father? (the only character in the book I really liked, btw). We never get a proper explanation for this.

Edward
Is there anything new to say about Edward? He is, after all, an abusive, controlling guy with a bunch of problems (being vampire is the least serious of them).

Actually, the romance had a potential, I guess, but Meyer failed to portray Edward’s personality and his backstory well. I guess the guy has no personality behind a pretty face. Another proof he’s just a perfect (wet) dream, nothing more. Well, not MY wet dream, Meyer.